When I say no, I feel guilty

I am reading a book called "When I say no, I feel guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Considering the fact that I hate self help books (I always believed "How to win friends and influence people" type of books were the suck), it really is amazing that I am loving this one. I was browsing around at a books sale when this one book just screamed out to me. I mean, the title was so direct that it summed up exactly what i ended up feeling most times i interacted with people. Only, I didn't know i could put down all my frustration and self-disgust in such a simple sentence. I'm dumb!

I can tell you, it is the best book I have read in a long while. And almost every line in it is so apt and so 'for-me' that this attains the unique status of 'the only unputdownable non-fiction i have ever read'. Go get it.

One interesting conversation followed my reading the book. Mom was on the phone on a very important conversation when the neighbor walked in, uninvited and definitely unannounced. Mom was figuring out a way to handle the neighbor with the least distraction from the phone conversation while not seeming cold or rude to her. She managed with some degree of coolness which is besides my point. Coming back to my point, dad asked me rather sarcastically, "So according to your book, how do you handle this situation assertively? Do you tell her in your frostiest voice that you are busy?" It was then that I saw the flaw that a lot of people have in their understanding of assertiveness. They confuse assertiveness with being rude and impolite and always using vocal muscle power to get your way. Man, that is so wrong. Assertiveness, IMHO, is all about being on top of a situation. Assertiveness means that you dictate how the situation must be depending on how you want it to be. Assertiveness means that you are the director, the controller of what happens to you and how you feel about an interaction or transaction as against letting a situation make you a feel a particular way. Nowhere in assertiveness training does it say that you need to be unpleasant and offensive to people. Notice how subtle the differences are between the many non assertive reactions and the probable assertive reactions.

Non assertive reactions:

1. Tell the guy on the phone that some guest is home and hang up in order to entertain the neighbor.

It's an important call and i feel guilty for hanging up. My friend at the other end thinks I am a prick. I feel like a doormat and hate myself because my neighbor walked in unannounced and screwed up what i wanted to be doing, and I was powerless to stop that.

2. Tell the neighbor with many apologetic gestures that you can't talk right now while not interrupting the phone conversation.

I feel guilty that i cannot entertain the neighbor properly and also I missed some of the important phone conversation in trying to gesture all that to the neighbor.

3. Ignore the neighbor and continue on the phone.

I got what i wanted, but there are still some bruised egos. My neighbor thinks i am a prick.

4. Try to manage both. I entertain my neighbor with appropriate facial expressions and gestures and still pretend to be listening to the guy on the phone.

I feel swamped. I feel like I don't have the freedom to choose what i want to do. The neighbor feels unattended and the friend on the phone thinks i am not interested in what he's saying.

Assertive reactions:

1. If the call is more important to you than the neighbor's visit, politely tell the friend on the phone to hang on for a second. Then tell the neighbor that you are on a rather important call and that you will call on her again later. Fix a time if you must. Get back to the guy on the phone.

2. If the neighbor's visit is more important to you than the call, politely tell the friend on the phone that there is some inconvenience in talking to him now, and that you will call back later. Fix a time if you must. Then entertain the neighbor.

I know this example was entirely too simplistic, and does not deal with the essence of assertiveness training - Handling manipulative people. Still, I felt it was a good enough example to distinguish clearly between letting a situation to get the better of you and controlling the situation the way you want it without being rude and offensive.