When I say no, I feel guilty

I am reading a book called "When I say no, I feel guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Considering the fact that I hate self help books (I always believed "How to win friends and influence people" type of books were the suck), it really is amazing that I am loving this one. I was browsing around at a books sale when this one book just screamed out to me. I mean, the title was so direct that it summed up exactly what i ended up feeling most times i interacted with people. Only, I didn't know i could put down all my frustration and self-disgust in such a simple sentence. I'm dumb!

I can tell you, it is the best book I have read in a long while. And almost every line in it is so apt and so 'for-me' that this attains the unique status of 'the only unputdownable non-fiction i have ever read'. Go get it.

One interesting conversation followed my reading the book. Mom was on the phone on a very important conversation when the neighbor walked in, uninvited and definitely unannounced. Mom was figuring out a way to handle the neighbor with the least distraction from the phone conversation while not seeming cold or rude to her. She managed with some degree of coolness which is besides my point. Coming back to my point, dad asked me rather sarcastically, "So according to your book, how do you handle this situation assertively? Do you tell her in your frostiest voice that you are busy?" It was then that I saw the flaw that a lot of people have in their understanding of assertiveness. They confuse assertiveness with being rude and impolite and always using vocal muscle power to get your way. Man, that is so wrong. Assertiveness, IMHO, is all about being on top of a situation. Assertiveness means that you dictate how the situation must be depending on how you want it to be. Assertiveness means that you are the director, the controller of what happens to you and how you feel about an interaction or transaction as against letting a situation make you a feel a particular way. Nowhere in assertiveness training does it say that you need to be unpleasant and offensive to people. Notice how subtle the differences are between the many non assertive reactions and the probable assertive reactions.

Non assertive reactions:

1. Tell the guy on the phone that some guest is home and hang up in order to entertain the neighbor.

It's an important call and i feel guilty for hanging up. My friend at the other end thinks I am a prick. I feel like a doormat and hate myself because my neighbor walked in unannounced and screwed up what i wanted to be doing, and I was powerless to stop that.

2. Tell the neighbor with many apologetic gestures that you can't talk right now while not interrupting the phone conversation.

I feel guilty that i cannot entertain the neighbor properly and also I missed some of the important phone conversation in trying to gesture all that to the neighbor.

3. Ignore the neighbor and continue on the phone.

I got what i wanted, but there are still some bruised egos. My neighbor thinks i am a prick.

4. Try to manage both. I entertain my neighbor with appropriate facial expressions and gestures and still pretend to be listening to the guy on the phone.

I feel swamped. I feel like I don't have the freedom to choose what i want to do. The neighbor feels unattended and the friend on the phone thinks i am not interested in what he's saying.

Assertive reactions:

1. If the call is more important to you than the neighbor's visit, politely tell the friend on the phone to hang on for a second. Then tell the neighbor that you are on a rather important call and that you will call on her again later. Fix a time if you must. Get back to the guy on the phone.

2. If the neighbor's visit is more important to you than the call, politely tell the friend on the phone that there is some inconvenience in talking to him now, and that you will call back later. Fix a time if you must. Then entertain the neighbor.

I know this example was entirely too simplistic, and does not deal with the essence of assertiveness training - Handling manipulative people. Still, I felt it was a good enough example to distinguish clearly between letting a situation to get the better of you and controlling the situation the way you want it without being rude and offensive.

AeroIndia 2k7, a review by the lay-man for the lay-man

Aero India 2007 just concluded. I was there on Saturday. The hotties in the fighter category this time around were the MiG35, F-16, FA-18 super hornet(first time the US is participating!) and Saab Gripen, and in the commercial / cargo sector, it was the C17. For the enormous hulk that the C17 is, the climb rate is impressive. Even the C5 looks so slim next to it. This year saw very few attractions on the helicopter front. Apart from the static display of the Chinook, there was nothing else, as probably technology proving with the ALH was not needed anymore. The Sarang display team finished their performance (with 3 copters) just before I entered the airfield. The older favorites were all there too from last time, the Su29, Su30 MK-I, Mirage 2000, MiG27 etc. The jaded Mig21 (I still respect this plane) and the Jaguar were conspicuous by their absence (and thankfully). The BAe Hawk was also on static display, but curiously, outside the Air display area. According to me, the Gripen stole the show with its impressive maneuverability and agility for a plane that small, light, cheap and low on ground support requirements. Truly a winning combination for developing countries with many semi-developed airstrips and lack of proper ground support. I don't know if it is my inherent prejudice for all things American, but for some reason, the F-16 and F-18 failed to impress me beyond 'Such monstrous power!'. In the regional jet / business jet / VIP carrier category there were around 4 or 5 planes on flying display, including the Saras and a Bombardier Canadair CRJ something. I was most impressed by the Saras as I watched it do some technology proving demonstration flights. Saw it take some mean bank angles that were impressive for a non-conventional propeller. I found it to be a bit noisier than the others (I am comparing with other turbo-props like the older ATR32 not present in this show) though this is just an opinion and very relative. Even the noise seemed to be tinny, like a 4 seater biplane. There were a couple of small planes in the GA / Personal aviation category, neither of which I remember now.

The Suryakirans did their usual stuff. While I admire the pilots and their skills, one must admit that if you've seen it once or twice, the third show gets pretty boring. For example, this time's performance was an almost exact replica of last time's show. I could even predict which item was next on the list and what the commentator would be saying over his PA with a fake accent and fake interest in his voice, repeating phrases like 'stunning display of speed' and 'impressive demonstration of its maneuverability' over and over again.

But the best thing on display at Aero India 2007 was not on a tricycle landing gear. It stood on 4 humongous rubber tires. It was part of a stall put up by the AMGeneral (Transports). Yes, the HUMVEE (HMMWV - High Mobility Multi-purpose Wheeled Vehicle). It was the first time I saw the beast in the flesh. I must admit, for the kind of image I had carried in my head about the Humvee, it didn't seem all that mean. So i was slightly disappointed there.
We hardly had any time for visiting the stalls. There were 9 stalls (hangars) this time, that's 3 more than last time, I think. And we had no time to even enter 7 of those stalls.
So far, all good experiences. Now let me start the gripes.
In one sentence, crowd management was pathetic. In many points and way too many sentences:

I. We spent 1 hr 15 min in getting from JP Nagar 6th Phase to AFSY (that's AirForce Station, Yelahanka). And 1 hour 45 minutes in parking the car. Traffic congestion was terrible. Long queues, unexplained delays and holdups, Unclear directions and indications. Lack of a clear communication. Specifically the problems were these. Vehicles on the highway coming to the airshow were asked to form a line on the left most lane and to follow that until turning into the correct gate. Now this arrangement had 3 problems.
1. There was no way to identify which cars were coming to the arishow and which were not, so most people ended up joining the queue as there was neither windshield stickers on the air show cars, nor a sign board to say that only airshow vehicles were to take the left lane.
2. There were not enough number of traffic marshals to ensure that communication regarding the parking availability was communicated till the end of the queue. (For eg. we stayed in the queue for 45 minutes before realizing that the gates were closed as our designated parking area was full)
3. The typical Indian mentality caused people to form 3 lines instead of 1, thus causing more mayhem.

II. There was a bus facility to transport visitors from the car park area to the air show. These buses were irregular and no control system existed to ensure that people boarded and alighted from them in an orderly manner. Result: It looked like refugees fighting for bread behind a United Nations truck in Somalia. So we ended up walking that distance from the parking to the airfield.

III. Area given for food stalls was entirely insufficient and this problem was worsened by people who sat right in the middle of all the queues to eat.

IV. I believe the whole crowd management issue could have been lessened if the date of entry was printed on the tickets and the number of tickets available for a given day was limited. This way, the crowd could have been distributed over 5 days. The other advantage of this would be that it would be easy to plan for the number of visitors for each day, depending on the number of tickets sold for that day.

Of course, these are just my ideas, and there maybe no sense or logic in them.

PS: Please leave comments on any factual / other inaccuracies that I may have made in this review. Also do share your opinions, impressions and experiences of the airshow.

Open sesame!

Ophcrack LiveCD. Download it. Burn it on to a CD. Boot off of it. By brute force, break into many many password protected windows user accounts. Though it takes the fun out of social engineering or trying to guess at the passwords by knowing the person's psyche, it gets the job done, provided the password is 14 characters or lesser. Read why here at LifeHacker. It is rather interesting.

When the party is over

As all the hubbub and excitement over the iPhone slowly dies away and people are looking at it more realistically than as a miracle answer to all their mobile telephony phantasies, many uncomfortable questions emerge. TheFirstPost asks them here.

Click here to read the article.

Psycho Creep

Emotional manipulation is such a crime. Yet, we all either commit it, or fall for it, many times in the course of a day. It is extremely surprising, the acceptance that some forms of emotional manipulation get. And it is a worrying fact. Anyway, this wonderful website tells you how to spot Emotional Manipulation, and in some cases, how to react to it. An excellent read. And to quote my favorite cliche, it's a real eye-opener.

A monster is born

Got my new computer yesterday. Specs go so:

Processor : Intel Core2Duo E6300 (1.86 GHz) 1066 MHz Bus Speed
Motherboard : Intel 965 Chipset based
RAM : Transcend 1 GB DDR2 @ 667 MHz
Hard Disk : Seagate 240 GB Serial ATA drive
Monitor : Samsung 17" TFT
Sound : Onboard sound STAC Codec, Creative Inspire 2.1 speakers.
Video : Onboard something
LG DVD writer, Zebronics cabinet and SMPS.

Running WinXP SP3.

A monster is born. I know, I know, not really supercomputer specs, but considering what it replaced, definitely a huge difference. My Ex PC's config:

Intel Celeron Processor 766 MHz, Mercury mainboard 815E Chipset, 256 MB SD RAM 133 MHz, 160 GB IDE HDD 7200 rpm, Onboard Sound AC97 codec with Creative SBS20 speakers, Samsung 17" CRT, nVidia RIVA TNT2 32 MB AGP card. It's almost antique now, but was pretty cutting edge back in its times. Don't laugh.

I'll be posting my unscientific and wholly exaggerated reviews about the new comp soon. Just a friendly warning.

Men's Rules

Women should learn these!

One more in the endless list of popular forwards. Well, this one comes from over here, but I've read it at many other places.

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

Movie Computers

Ever seen a computer being used in the movies? Well, if Hollywood is to be believed, then computing and computers go something like this :

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
• You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".) All computers are connected.
• You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
• All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
• People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
• A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
• You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
• Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.
• Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
• If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
• If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
• Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
• Computer disks will work on any computer that has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".) Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
• Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
• Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien", "2001" or "Hackers")
• Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)
  

source: http://humour.200ok.com.au/movie_computers.html

It's a phoney world!

There was a time when you were considered filthy rich if you had a telephone at home. But soon, everyone started having telephones. Then came them pagers. Top brass and highly placed executives and cardiac surgeons walked around with 'beepers' for a short period. That was until carpenters, plumbers and milkmen started finding them useful. Now the Superman-kind wanted something better than that! Ta- da, the cell phone comes in. Anybody who was somebody now had a mobile phone. They could make and recieve calls while hobnobbing with celebrities, playing golf with the president or banging their trophy wives. They could even recieve calls in the latest polyphonic ringtones! Again, that was only until the hoi-polloi caught up. Even my neighbor's cat has a cell phone now, all for itself! So what next? What does the lambo-driving, trophy-wife-banging, bahamas-vacationing dude weild to mark his status? Well, this. It's a crazy world, i tell you.

52 Proven Stress Reducers

Picked up this list from here and did the color coding myself. Great! More things to think about and do. But isn't it ironic that to implement all these practices is also stressful to a degree owing to vast and sudden changes in the way you look at things?

Anyway Color coding is as follows:

Stuff that i already do
Stuff that i intend to implement
Stuff that i need to implement immediately
Stuff that i don't do, but would be nice if i did
Stuff that i believe is not necessary or applicable to me

Here goes:

1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful. 2. Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table. Make lunches. Put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc. 3. Don't rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc. ("The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory."- Old Chinese Proverb) 4. Do nothing you have to lie about later. 5. Make copies of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden. Carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring. 6. Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home and relationships will be less likely to break down "at the worst possible moment." 7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback book can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant. 8. Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now. 9. Plan ahead. Don't let the gas tank get below onequarter full, keep a well- stocked "emergency shelf'' of home staples, don't wait until you're down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more, etc. 10. Don't put up with something that doesn't work right. If your alarm clock wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers-whatever-are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones. 11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures. 12. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet. 13. Always set up contingency plans, "just in case." ("If for some reason either of us is delayed, here's what we'll do..." Or, "If we get split up in the shopping center, here's where we'll meet.") 14. Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn't get mowed this weekend. 15. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count 'em! 16. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back the directions that someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old "the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get" idea.) 17. Say "No!" Saying no to extra projects, social activities and invitations you know you don't have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and to be alone. 18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.) 19. Turn "needs" into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don't get attached to preferences. 20. Simplify, simplify, simplify. 21. Make friends with nonworriers. Chronic worrywarts are contagious. 22. Take many stretch breaks when you sit a lot.

23. If you can't find quiet at home, wear earplugs. 24. Get enough sleep. Set your alarm for bedtime. 25. Organize! A place for everything and everything in its place. Losing things is stressful. 26. Monitor your body for stress signs. If your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax your muscles and take some deep, slow breaths. 27. Write your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It can help you clarify and give you a renewed perspective. 28. Do this yoga exercise when you need to relax: Inhale through your nose to the count of eight. Pucker your lips and exhale slowly to the count of 16. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times. 29. Visualize success before any experience you fear. Take time to go over every part of the event in your mind. Imagine how great you will look, and how well you will present yourself. 30. If the stress of deadlines gets in the way of doing a job, use diversion. Take your mind off the task and you will focus better when you're on task. 31. Talk out your problems with a friend. It helps to relieve confusion. 32. Avoid people and places that don't fit your personal needs and desires. If you hate politics, don't spend time with politically excited people. 33. Learn to live one day at a time. 34. Everyday, do something you really enjoy. 35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do. 36. Take a bath or shower to relieve tension. 37. Do a favor for someone every day. 38. Focus on understanding rather than on being under stood, on loving rather than on being loved. 39. Looking good makes you feel better. 40. Take more time between tasks to relax. Schedule a realistic day. 41. Be flexible. Some things are not worth perfection. 42. Stop negative self-talk: "I'm too fat, too old, etc..." 43. Change pace on weekends. If your week was slow, be active. If you felt nothing was accomplished during the week, do a weekend project. 44. "Worry about the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves." Pay attention to the details in front of you. 45. Do one thing at a time. When you are working on one thing, don't think about everything else you have to do. 46. Allow time every day for privacy, quiet and thinking. 47. Do unpleasant tasks early and enjoy the rest of the day. 48. Delegate responsibility to capable people. 49. Take lunch breaks. Get away from your work in body and in mind. 50. Count to 1,000, not 10, before you say something that could make matters worse. 51. Forgive people and events. Accept that we live in an imperfect world. 52. Have an optimistic view of the world. Most people do the best they can.