The Ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal: a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous.
-from the 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', by Douglas Adams
I love this creature. This is exactly how I approach problems in my life. If I don't think about it, it obviously wont think about me.
So well... happy me, happy you, happy world, happy nights, happy life, happy day, happy happy happy stuff, happy us, happy times....so... happy!
Ignorance is the best form of defense (ok, an intentional bad memory comes a close second).
The introspector has spoken
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Leaving on a jet plane
I don't know how I should be feeling now. My girlfriend just called up and broke the news that she's going out of the country for close to half a year. She leaves in a month. Great! I had seen this coming, all along. Yet when it's this close and you are given the news first hand like the prison guard announcing the execution date, the panic always strikes. It pains me in a very distant way that selfish panic... fear of surviving those months alone attacks me first, before the joy of this wonderful opportunity she got and happiness for her begins to sink in. Shameless self-interest. Self centered leech... is who you are, i keep telling myself, still somehow secretly believing this is exactly how it feels for her too. Deep down I know she should not feel this way. What's happening is very good for her. It has been over six years since she took a break from studies and work, and what better way to have a vacation than the company paying for an international tour? But still, this is a little too extreme. I mean, almost six months? Another funny thing is, ever since we got together, we have never stayed incommunicado for even a single day. Ever. We have never known how it is to stay apart, without being able to talk. So maybe now we'll really get to know how distance will make the heart grow fonder (if it can get any fonder), and how we can all get a fresh perspective of things. Desperate attempts at consoling myself.
The introspector has spoken
The introspector has spoken
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The fog
It is morning again. The thick blanket of fog is once again trying to permeate my being and enter within, violating me.... in obscene defiance to my every attempt at resisting it. I hate this ritual everyday, yet I know it will happen with unfailing regularity day after day, week after week. And in a strange sort of way, I almost welcome it.
The grey fog of feelinglessness, I call it. For once it settles, I can feel nothing. There are no spikes of joy, depths of sorrow, no rush of adrenaline, nor reflective serenity. It is just a blank grey emptiness that resists all attempts to banish. Comes as it wills and leaves as it wills (I somehow think it never wills to leave). I can sense it from the moment I wake up to the moment I shut my eyes and fall sleep.
Just a deep melancholy that tints every incoming stimulus with its grey, and evoking a distant "Why bother? how does it matter? Is it really worth it?" response. It affects my every cell, rendering it dull and inactive. The lethargy is overpowering. It desensitizes me to the world. A blind, mindless existence, not reactive, and, definitely not proactive. I waste away every minute, every day. God help me. Or atleast tell me what is wrong.
The introspector has spoken
The grey fog of feelinglessness, I call it. For once it settles, I can feel nothing. There are no spikes of joy, depths of sorrow, no rush of adrenaline, nor reflective serenity. It is just a blank grey emptiness that resists all attempts to banish. Comes as it wills and leaves as it wills (I somehow think it never wills to leave). I can sense it from the moment I wake up to the moment I shut my eyes and fall sleep.
Just a deep melancholy that tints every incoming stimulus with its grey, and evoking a distant "Why bother? how does it matter? Is it really worth it?" response. It affects my every cell, rendering it dull and inactive. The lethargy is overpowering. It desensitizes me to the world. A blind, mindless existence, not reactive, and, definitely not proactive. I waste away every minute, every day. God help me. Or atleast tell me what is wrong.
The introspector has spoken
untitled 1 ;)
I happened to read Grape of wrath. I have to say it's the best piece of mood writing I've come across in a blog in a very long time. My perception was altered after reading it for an hour. I hope one day, I can write something like that. Atleast hope to. So much imagery with words.
You know what the identified malady with me is? My need for a social life (or lack thereof).
Do I lack the social life, because I lack the need, or do I lack the need because I've never had a social life and I don't know how it will be to have one. Whatever it is, I think I need it NOW!
The introspector has spoken
You know what the identified malady with me is? My need for a social life (or lack thereof).
Do I lack the social life, because I lack the need, or do I lack the need because I've never had a social life and I don't know how it will be to have one. Whatever it is, I think I need it NOW!
The introspector has spoken
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I hate myself for this... and this.. ok that too, and yes, that also
I am disgusted with this blog. For it has taught me too many things in too short a while. I am not used to this rate of progress at all (many thanks to the work culture here). Firstly it taught me I can't write for nuts. (Ok, that's one career ambition out of the way, one less to worry about) . Second, it has demonstrated to me the inherent weakness of man's heart, the failings that make him ...just... mere human. No matter how much he appears to hate people, he nurtures a secret desire to be a hero, he craves the adulation, the worship, the admirers, he even wants people to read his blog for God's sake! And the stupid hit meter I put stands mute and static and reproachful as ever telling me "Fatso, go find a job you are actually good at!" But believe me, I am close to giving up. I can't seem to find the one thing I am good at. You see that's the problem with me. I am too fleeting. Well.. that brings us to the third thing this blog has taught me. My interests are so many, so varied, ok... great so far, but as intense as they may be when they do exist, they evaporate too soon, way too soon. I don't have a one single interest I could be so dedicated to as to spend my entire life pursuing it. (Was that sentence gramatically correct or was the last 'it' redundant?). I guess the only such interest would be automobiles. I could spend ages collecting data on them, but you see there lies the next problem. It stops with research and study and knowledge. I would not design my own car/sports machine. I would never dream of performance enhancements and modifications as a business avenue (one post about my car is due, remind me) and i would never be good enough to race professionally. Next, music. I just love music, rock, metal, old classics, the whole f*cking spectrum and I guess I will never outgrow Deep Purple, Judas Priest and Metallica , but I can't f*cking play the guitar. I have a very good guitar, it's lying unused. I hate myself for this.
The introspector has spoken
The introspector has spoken
Mil Millington
My latest fascination (after the belly button lint and the green armpit putty) is Mil Millington's Blog of "Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About". You must admit, the insight it gives could seduce any man into becoming an ascetic, but curiously, it's just these things that make you want to stick around. And how do I know? I just do ok, trust me. For heaven's sake I can relate to the stuff this guy writes, isn't that proof enough? I mean... i know he's exaggerating wildly, but his subtle british humor is just awesome. And now I got my girlfriend to also read this. God! What have I gone and done?
On another note, I need to interact with individuals from a certain central American country (they have conference calls and web chat sessions from there) in the regular course of my work. That's the only comic relief I have in a day at office. Their web chat log runs something like this.
Us: Hi
Them: hi
Us: We'd like to know if the encoder is currently deployed.
Them (after 8 minutes of inactivity during which behind the scenes, the following activities take place - copy from chat window into Google language tools, Translate from English to spanish, Type in spanish the appropriate answer to our question, Translate from spanish to English, copy that into the chat window and hit 'Send'): Not, Encoding happening is not current, the final deploy will happens only later. Please... sorry, please.
Us: OK, so when can we expect encoding to be deployed and tested?
Them (repeat performance as described above): Wait me some time, please. I am checking when I am talked with so-and-so today in the afternoon. But now I am suffering from the hungry, so I go to eat.
Us (recovering from a brief spell of dizziness): Ok, thanks.
I am gonna miss you guys when I'm off this project.
The introspector has spoken
On another note, I need to interact with individuals from a certain central American country (they have conference calls and web chat sessions from there) in the regular course of my work. That's the only comic relief I have in a day at office. Their web chat log runs something like this.
Us: Hi
Them: hi
Us: We'd like to know if the encoder is currently deployed.
Them (after 8 minutes of inactivity during which behind the scenes, the following activities take place - copy from chat window into Google language tools, Translate from English to spanish, Type in spanish the appropriate answer to our question, Translate from spanish to English, copy that into the chat window and hit 'Send'): Not, Encoding happening is not current, the final deploy will happens only later. Please... sorry, please.
Us: OK, so when can we expect encoding to be deployed and tested?
Them (repeat performance as described above): Wait me some time, please. I am checking when I am talked with so-and-so today in the afternoon. But now I am suffering from the hungry, so I go to eat.
Us (recovering from a brief spell of dizziness): Ok, thanks.
I am gonna miss you guys when I'm off this project.
The introspector has spoken
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I touch no one and no one touches me
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
-"I am a rock"
Simon and Garfunkel
Best Of Simon And Garfunkel
Some of that don't apply to me, but most of it does. And I love this song.
The introspector has spoken
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
-"I am a rock"
Simon and Garfunkel
Best Of Simon And Garfunkel
Some of that don't apply to me, but most of it does. And I love this song.
The introspector has spoken
Saturday, March 11, 2006
A secret place on the World Wide Web
I put in a tiny hit counter yesterday at the bottom of this page. And I was unpleasantly surprised to see that not a soul apart from me reads my blog. Well who says you can't keep a secret on the internet? In fact, I have a terrific business model which I'll prolly implement soon. I'll make an obscure page like this that nobody would want to visit and then I'll tell people that they can put their nasty little secrets here at a cost and I shall guarantee that not a soul would know. Nobody else will want to know their secrets anyways. I mean, think about it, people find it hard to remember and keep their own nasty secrets. Why would they wanna know yours?
Incident Blog of the day:
Ah Saturday! I watched a movie today. It was about wife swapping. No it's not a porn movie. It's the sort of movie that sensitive men go to with their girlfriends. It's got to be, cos that's what I did!
The introspector has spoken
Incident Blog of the day:
Ah Saturday! I watched a movie today. It was about wife swapping. No it's not a porn movie. It's the sort of movie that sensitive men go to with their girlfriends. It's got to be, cos that's what I did!
The introspector has spoken
Friday, March 10, 2006
More blogger stereotypes
Following from my previous torture session, I'll throw down a few more blog stereotypes here:
4. Trying to be a new father
Today I went to the office union night dinner with porridge on my dress shirt. I know I would have hated it 7 months ago. But now it pleases me no end. And when my colleagues asked how I managed to get the porridge there, I said 'if you had a 7 month old devil at home, you would know too', speaking of which, Jason badly needs a haircut. Can you believe it? This bundle is only 7 months old and he's ready for his first haircut?? It's amazing how time flies, i only wish I had more of it to spend with Jason.
Point of interest: Notice how totally unrelated events are connected back to the kid.
5. Trying to be a 16 year old guy
Current mood: Pissed
Current music: Roots bloody roots by Sepultura
I f*ckin hate this world, and all the people that don't have the bleedin' sense to mind their own business. Jessica is a b*tch. Wat da f*ck does it matter to you anywayz you sh*t? I wish I could kill her now. Hell life's a b*tch too. I am too pissed to write anything else today.
6. Trying to be a 22 year old girl
Can you believe it? Today is the day! I've been with my man for 2 whole years! We're going out for dinner at 'The Chinese Quarter'. I know he likes dinner there. I have a surprise arranged for him. I have a suite booked at Hyatt and right after dinner I'm gonna blindfold him and drive him there. Wow! I can't wait to see his face when I remove the blindfold. I'm dizzy with the excitement. Brenda tells me this plan is the most romantic she's ever heard!
7. Trying to be a nerd
I was listening to the podcast of 'review of 60 best selling packet sniffing/port scanning tools' and one thing immediately struck my mind. If the networks security guys keep themselves blissfully ignorant of the leaps and bounds that network threats are growing by in terms of number and severity, then it will be up to us geeks and hackers to fix and patch our own networks. Network administrators as a species can then de-evolve into something more their class.. like telephone sanitizers or something. Thats a funny thought!
Ok done with the stereotypes. Finally. I hate to admit it but I have actually read many many blogs. And 99 percent of them fall into some category or the other mentioned above. Why do people keep getting themselves into the same old shitty rut? I see very few blogs that dare to be different. Or maybe there aren't that many different people around. Or maybe I don't look hard enough.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
Of course there are some very useful blogs around too.
I remember one teaching you how to have sex with dolphins... now thats something I always wondered about. Another one telling you about the famous 14th century artefacts in the temple of the sixth heir to the king in some village in northern Sudan. Just what I needed.
They are so different. But as useless as they maybe to me, towards them, I hold none of the malice that I do towards the stereotypes mentioned above. Atleast these dare to be different. And in the least, they provide me with constant hope that all is not lost for me and that I can one day start my own blog on my latest hobbies- research on belly button lint and green armpit putty.
The introspector has spoken
4. Trying to be a new father
Today I went to the office union night dinner with porridge on my dress shirt. I know I would have hated it 7 months ago. But now it pleases me no end. And when my colleagues asked how I managed to get the porridge there, I said 'if you had a 7 month old devil at home, you would know too', speaking of which, Jason badly needs a haircut. Can you believe it? This bundle is only 7 months old and he's ready for his first haircut?? It's amazing how time flies, i only wish I had more of it to spend with Jason.
Point of interest: Notice how totally unrelated events are connected back to the kid.
5. Trying to be a 16 year old guy
Current mood: Pissed
Current music: Roots bloody roots by Sepultura
I f*ckin hate this world, and all the people that don't have the bleedin' sense to mind their own business. Jessica is a b*tch. Wat da f*ck does it matter to you anywayz you sh*t? I wish I could kill her now. Hell life's a b*tch too. I am too pissed to write anything else today.
6. Trying to be a 22 year old girl
Can you believe it? Today is the day! I've been with my man for 2 whole years! We're going out for dinner at 'The Chinese Quarter'. I know he likes dinner there. I have a surprise arranged for him. I have a suite booked at Hyatt and right after dinner I'm gonna blindfold him and drive him there. Wow! I can't wait to see his face when I remove the blindfold. I'm dizzy with the excitement. Brenda tells me this plan is the most romantic she's ever heard!
7. Trying to be a nerd
I was listening to the podcast of 'review of 60 best selling packet sniffing/port scanning tools' and one thing immediately struck my mind. If the networks security guys keep themselves blissfully ignorant of the leaps and bounds that network threats are growing by in terms of number and severity, then it will be up to us geeks and hackers to fix and patch our own networks. Network administrators as a species can then de-evolve into something more their class.. like telephone sanitizers or something. Thats a funny thought!
Ok done with the stereotypes. Finally. I hate to admit it but I have actually read many many blogs. And 99 percent of them fall into some category or the other mentioned above. Why do people keep getting themselves into the same old shitty rut? I see very few blogs that dare to be different. Or maybe there aren't that many different people around. Or maybe I don't look hard enough.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
Of course there are some very useful blogs around too.
I remember one teaching you how to have sex with dolphins... now thats something I always wondered about. Another one telling you about the famous 14th century artefacts in the temple of the sixth heir to the king in some village in northern Sudan. Just what I needed.
They are so different. But as useless as they maybe to me, towards them, I hold none of the malice that I do towards the stereotypes mentioned above. Atleast these dare to be different. And in the least, they provide me with constant hope that all is not lost for me and that I can one day start my own blog on my latest hobbies- research on belly button lint and green armpit putty.
The introspector has spoken
Incident Blogger
Like the first post was not boring and pointless enough, I have decided to suddenly make an incident blog entry. Ah well, when life sucks this much, I wanna share that suckiness with all you wonderful people.
It's 12.39 AM Local time. And I am in office. Waiting for the ar*e of the database server to repair its friggin' self, so I can run my bloody tests in peace. Not gonna happen today... no not until tomorrow evening... is what sysadmin says. Atleast this screwup ain't my fault!
And so while I have nothing better to do till my shift ends, I devise new and improved instruments of blogging torture.
Watched Lord of the Rings 1 today. For the first time. I am proud I din't fall victim to the herd mentality till now. Anyway it was an OK movie. Ok... better than just OK, I concede. Some of the stuff reminded me of the 'Wheel of Time' series by Robert Jordan. But i sincerely believe the music could have been more ominous. And Gollum... he is so funny. And Frodo... serious competition to Gollum. I mean... 'dazed and confused' is the only expression he specializes in or what?
I wonder if all the people who claim to be leading terrific, amazing, fun filled, awesome, seat of the pants lives on their blogs actually mean it. C'mon, tell me aren't they over reacting? Nothing that wild and exciting ever happens in my life. Or yeah, I don't make so big a deal of them when they do happen. But I'll make a very honest effort now.
1. Trying to be a 14 year old girl (gurl)
I walkd frm my apartmnt to my cab across da street, and da sun was setting in da west. da sunrays were so..o slanting my shadow looked so...o big. kinda freaky... lol.
2. Trying to be a 14 year old guy
been to this sorta... pointless but kinda cool site... its called elevatormoods or sumthng. was kinda cool... like it was so pointless but also well made coz these guys have.. like 15 video clipz or sumthng and they put it out in a damn cool interface kindz. awesome.
3. Trying to be a mother-to-be
Today, I looked at the moon shining through the clouds and I thought, in 3 months, little Edna could be seeing that. It filled me with so much hope that it brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt this good before.
Ah... more stereotypes shall be explored later.
The introspector has spoken.
It's 12.39 AM Local time. And I am in office. Waiting for the ar*e of the database server to repair its friggin' self, so I can run my bloody tests in peace. Not gonna happen today... no not until tomorrow evening... is what sysadmin says. Atleast this screwup ain't my fault!
And so while I have nothing better to do till my shift ends, I devise new and improved instruments of blogging torture.
Watched Lord of the Rings 1 today. For the first time. I am proud I din't fall victim to the herd mentality till now. Anyway it was an OK movie. Ok... better than just OK, I concede. Some of the stuff reminded me of the 'Wheel of Time' series by Robert Jordan. But i sincerely believe the music could have been more ominous. And Gollum... he is so funny. And Frodo... serious competition to Gollum. I mean... 'dazed and confused' is the only expression he specializes in or what?
I wonder if all the people who claim to be leading terrific, amazing, fun filled, awesome, seat of the pants lives on their blogs actually mean it. C'mon, tell me aren't they over reacting? Nothing that wild and exciting ever happens in my life. Or yeah, I don't make so big a deal of them when they do happen. But I'll make a very honest effort now.
1. Trying to be a 14 year old girl (gurl)
I walkd frm my apartmnt to my cab across da street, and da sun was setting in da west. da sunrays were so..o slanting my shadow looked so...o big. kinda freaky... lol.
2. Trying to be a 14 year old guy
been to this sorta... pointless but kinda cool site... its called elevatormoods or sumthng. was kinda cool... like it was so pointless but also well made coz these guys have.. like 15 video clipz or sumthng and they put it out in a damn cool interface kindz. awesome.
3. Trying to be a mother-to-be
Today, I looked at the moon shining through the clouds and I thought, in 3 months, little Edna could be seeing that. It filled me with so much hope that it brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt this good before.
Ah... more stereotypes shall be explored later.
The introspector has spoken.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Oh well... Here we go. ..Again!
This is MY first blog in this Id. And as anyone who cares to read through this and future pieces of mind numbing boredom will see, this blog is entirely, fully and completely centered around ME, MY little world, what goes on in MY head and what does not, but I would like if it did!
It is by no means my first blog. In fact this is my third attempt at blogging. I am now wondering which i dislike more- Pouring your heart out and whatever goes on in inside your own stupid head for all the world to see on a blog like this, or joining these little community thingies where you pretend to be best of pals with some possible faker you knew as a kid and honestly wouldn't care a fig about today. ughhh... i hate them all. Yet I think we carbon based life forms all share a common thread that binds us together, all of creation - it's the same stupid herd mentality that drives all wildebeest into the same croc infested river, or all them stupid bugs to electrocute themselves on the bleeding wire of the pest eliminator and fall dead among the rest of their slain creed. Or maybe it's just the exhibitionist hiding in each one of us, waiting for release and to 'bare it all' to the world. Well whatever it is, here I am... on the road again, there I am... upon the stage. Here I go.. playing star again. There I go... turn the page. Ah this fits so aptly. Turn the page, sir, and unleash another load of mental agony! I bet Bob Seger was a blogger too.
Frankly i don't care a damn if nobody reads this shit. It's prolly safer for you if you don't read it. Me... I'll just update it whenever i get the urge to write something, or whenever i have loads of time and too little to do; whichever is the sooner.
The introspector has spoken
It is by no means my first blog. In fact this is my third attempt at blogging. I am now wondering which i dislike more- Pouring your heart out and whatever goes on in inside your own stupid head for all the world to see on a blog like this, or joining these little community thingies where you pretend to be best of pals with some possible faker you knew as a kid and honestly wouldn't care a fig about today. ughhh... i hate them all. Yet I think we carbon based life forms all share a common thread that binds us together, all of creation - it's the same stupid herd mentality that drives all wildebeest into the same croc infested river, or all them stupid bugs to electrocute themselves on the bleeding wire of the pest eliminator and fall dead among the rest of their slain creed. Or maybe it's just the exhibitionist hiding in each one of us, waiting for release and to 'bare it all' to the world. Well whatever it is, here I am... on the road again, there I am... upon the stage. Here I go.. playing star again. There I go... turn the page. Ah this fits so aptly. Turn the page, sir, and unleash another load of mental agony! I bet Bob Seger was a blogger too.
Frankly i don't care a damn if nobody reads this shit. It's prolly safer for you if you don't read it. Me... I'll just update it whenever i get the urge to write something, or whenever i have loads of time and too little to do; whichever is the sooner.
The introspector has spoken
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